There is no question that, relative to our distant ancestors, we live in a disconnected culture that prioritizes competition, individualism, and consumerism over genuine connection and well-being. This topic is covered extensively in Gabor Maté’s The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness, and Healing in a Toxic Culture. Maintaining connections with other people, gaining status and respect, and finding meaningful work can be extremely challenging.

At the core of disconnection, however, is disconnection with oneself, which is very often brought about by “disconnection due to childhood trauma,” as mentioned above. Childhood trauma may be due to Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) including,

• domestic violence
• parental abandonment through separation or divorce
• a parent with a mental health condition
• being the victim of abuse (physical, sexual and/or emotional)
• being the victim of neglect (physical and emotional)
• having a member of the household being in prison
• growing up in a household in which there are adults experiencing alcohol and drug use problems

Adding to that list are social maladies such as racism, sexism, or marginalization due to disabilities or neurodivergence.

To foster reconnection, the best place to start is with yourself, because reclaiming your “self” and its associated powers will create the strength and support necessary to deal with the other aspects of disconnection.

There is no shortage of information on how to support the reconnection process. Many dozens of books have been written on the subject including the following:

A quick internet search using the terms “connection to your authentic self” brings up many hundreds of websites that address this subject. Here are a few examples:

• How to be your authentic self and why ...
• How to reconnect to your authentic self when you're ...
• Connecting to your authentic self at work
• Six ways to connect with your authentic self today
• Being your authentic self is easier said than done but worth it
• 5 ways to connect to your authentic self
• 8 ways to reconnect to your authentic self
• Reconnect with your authentic self instead of denying ...
• How to connect with your true self
• How to be your authentic self: 7 powerful strategies
• 4 ways to connect with your authentic self
• 8 ways to connect with your authentic self
• How to re-connect with and stay true to your authentic self Connecting with your authentic self: the power of interoception
• 5 ways to awaken your authentic self Being dedicated to living your life as your authentic self
• Be your authentic self and live the life you want Listening to your authentic self: the purpose of emotions
• 33 ways to be your authentic self (and live more happily ... Connect with your authentic self, connect ...
• 15 ways to connect with your authentic self Defining & finding your authentic self

From those sources come a myriad of suggestions on how to establish a deeper connection with your authentic self:

• Define and embrace your strengths
• Explore your values
• Acknowledge external versus internal influence
• Practice mindfulness
• Build your social support system
• Develop the courage to face your fears
• Take daily actions towards authenticity
• Create an affirmation that encourages self-acceptance
• Ask yourself, what did I enjoy as a child?
• Ignore societal views regarding age barriers
• Say what you think and feel (of course with a splash of diplomacy)
• Begin each day by checking in with yourself
• Pay attention to your feelings—especially your triggers
• Follow your energy
• Learn the language of your body
• Sit and just be Write down your dreams
• Remove “should” from your vocabulary

That’s an overwhelming number of suggestions, and all appear to be well-intentioned. But we don’t start out our lives disconnected. At birth, our connection with ourselves is instinctual and centered around basic needs such as hunger, comfort, and safety. Babies and young children operate from a raw and immediate experience of self without the complexities of self-awareness or conscious understanding.

As we grow and develop, our sense of self evolves through experiences, interactions, and the influence of our environment. Positive familial and societal social experiences engender feelings of connection. Negative, or adverse childhood experiences, as described previously, lead to feelings of disconnection.

Self-Leadership

A primary objective of life coaching is that clients learn to embrace continual self-improvement independent of the client-coach relationship. This objective may be best captured by the concept of self-leadership – a commitment to continually guide our thoughts and actions toward the enhancement of well-being, goal achievement, and the creation of a satisfying life. Mastering self-leadership, in a way, is about becoming your own coach, or even your own healer.

Self-leadership does not imply that you avoid assistance; rather, it involves seeking external perspectives while independently making decisions, motivating yourself to act, and rewarding personal successes.

Mastering self-leadership may be clear in theory but where would you begin? As with any learning process, the best choice is to adopt an evidence-based, well-structured model, including actionable processes for desired results.

Internal Family Systems and the Continuous Growth and Transformation Model

IFS beautifully aligns with the Continuous Growth and Transformation Model, recognizing that two key fundamentals of a fulfilling life are:

• Strong Connections: IFS fosters connections within yourself (between your Self and its parts) and with others, leading to deeper understanding and empathy.
• Effective Self-Leadership: By empowering your true Self, IFS equips you to navigate life's challenges with wisdom, compassion, and purpose.

More than just theory, IFS offers a positive, evidence-based, and actionable roadmap for realizing these fundamentals. It's a journey of self-discovery, transformation, and ultimately, a thriving life filled with genuine connection and empowered leadership. It is an important and fitting component of the Continuous Growth and Transformation Model that supports connections and self-leadership.

Mastering Self-Leadership Using Integrative Life Coaching and Internal Family Systems

As mentioned previously, self-leadership is “a commitment to continually guide our thoughts and actions toward the enhancement of well-being, goal achievement, and the creation of a satisfying life.”

The beauty of the IFS model is that it teaches us how to become our own coaches or therapists in a way. That is, self-leadership in the direction of coping, planning, and thriving. Moreover, it teaches us how to heal by reclaiming their authentic, enlightened selves.

Overall, Internal Family Systems offers a structured and compassionate approach to inner exploration and healing. By fostering self-awareness, self-compassion, and integration of various internal aspects, it can be highly effective in helping us reconnect with ourselves and achieve a greater sense of wholeness and well-being.

Transforming Your Inner World

Internal Family Systems is a gradual path towards self-discovery and connection, both within yourself and with others. It's a marathon, not a sprint, demanding patience and commitment. But the rewards are substantial.

Imagine your mind as a diverse community, where different parts - like firefighters, managers, wounded exiles each play a role. IFS helps you understand these "parts," differentiate them from your true Self, and create a space for healing with respect, compassion, and understanding.

Through this process, your true Self, the confident, compassionate and empowered leader within, emerges.

More information about the Internal Family Systems model may be found here: Internal Family Systems