Upstairs represents the conscious mind, which is often associated with our rational thoughts, decision-making processes, and awareness of our surroundings.

Downstairs represents the subconscious mind, which operates below the level of conscious awareness and is responsible for automatic processes, emotions, memories, and instincts.

Just as the harmony and communication between the upstairs and downstairs were crucial for the functioning of the household in the series, so too is the relationship between our conscious and subconscious minds essential for our overall well-being. When there is disharmony or lack of communication between these two aspects, it can lead to various issues such as anxiety, depression, relationship problems, undesirable behaviors, and physical illnesses.

Keep in mind, however, that our subconscious is not a servant to our conscious mind. As much as we would like to think our conscious minds are in control, our subconscious minds significantly influence many aspects of our lives, such as habits, emotions, and automatic responses.

Imagine a household where the “upstairs” treats the “downstairs” with contempt, ignoring their needs and requests. In such an environment, where respectful and compassionate communication is lacking, there is little mutual joy, and neither party is motivated to help the other out of distressful situations.

Additionally, without avenues for healthy communication, how can the “downstairs” servants express themselves? Consider the classic trope in murder mystery fiction, “The butler did it!" Why would the butler be the culprit? Because servants can harbor anger from having to repress their desires, ambitions, or emotions to fulfill their duties. This repression can lead to internal conflict or even motivate negative actions, such as seeking revenge or acting out in unexpected ways.

This is very much the way our brains work. When painful situations arise, they choose repression and avoidance to prevent emotional overwhelm. This may be effective at the moment, but in the long run, repression and avoidance are destructive to mental health and overall well-being.

Mayra Mendez, licensed psychotherapist and program coordinator at Providence Saint John's Child and Family Development Center says it this way:

“While emotional numbing blocks or shuts down negative feelings and experiences, it also shuts down the ability to experience pleasure, engage in positive interactions and social activities, and interferes with openness for intimacy, social interests, and problem-solving skills. Then how do we heal ourselves? How do we become the people we want to be? By realizing the best first step is to reduce that emotional numbing that virtually everyone employs. That is, we need to relate to our pain frankly and honestly – and not continue to avoid it with shut-down feelings.”

Psychologist C.G. Jung says:

“It is under all circumstances an advantage to be in full possession of one’s personality, otherwise, the repressed portions of the personality will only crop up as a hindrance elsewhere, not just at some unimportant point, but at the very spot where we are most sensitive.”

The goal, then, is not to shut down negative feelings completely but to manage them in a way that allows for a healthy emotional balance. Learning to acknowledge, understand, and express emotions appropriately is the path to emotional thriving. Said another way, the goal is to create honest, open, and supportive communication between the conscious and subconscious factions of our minds.

Many mental and physical disturbances stem from early adverse childhood experiences (ACES), and it is crucial to give a voice to those wounded parts of ourselves. Striving to better understand their nature through compassionate self-inquiry is the starting point. The goal is not to identify them and then be done. Rather, it is to establish an ongoing relationship with them. Instead of either avoiding trauma-based pain or letting it overwhelm you, try to maintain a balanced, arms-length distance from it. This approach allows you to offer compassion, support, and care—qualities that may have been lacking in your earlier experiences. Simultaneously, begin listening to what your wounded parts have to say. Again, by giving them a voice you can reduce the likelihood of them expressing themselves through anxiety, depression, undesirable behaviors, and physical illnesses.

Communication Modalities

You might be curious about how to establish two-way communication with both your wounded and healthy subconscious parts. Consider how people typically engage with their deeper emotions. The pie chart image shows several examples:

All of these are good choices and likely to be helpful. You might choose one or more that seems most natural for you. But for life coaching, there is one that stands out as being effective, direct, and in alignment with the Continuous Growth and Transformation Model. That is the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model, and it belongs to the “Therapeutic Techniques” category.

IFS is described on the Internal Family Systems page. In a nutshell, IFS imagines that all human beings have at their core a “Self,” which is characterized by the 8 C's: compassion, curiosity, clarity, creativity, calm, confidence, courage, and connectedness. Human beings also have a myriad of sub-personalities. The IFS terminology for these protective parts is firefighters and managers, where firefighters will do anything to avoid internal pain, and managers work hard to keep the system stable. Although they are trying their best to keep us safe, they may do so in potentially in counterproductive ways, when forced into extreme roles by (most often early) adverse experiences. The goal, then, of IFS therapy is to unburden or restore extreme and wounded parts and establish a trusted, healthy, harmonious internal system that is coordinated by the Self. That is accomplished by meditations in which you begin by acknowledging your sub-personalities (parts) and thanking them for their help. The next step is to bring to the conversation a strong feeling of warmth and compassion. Ask your parts in a kind and respectful manner to relax any exaggerated activities while reassuring them that you believe you can become their benevolent leader. For this communication to be two-way, it is critical you ask these parts what you can do for them. Finally, you just pause, listen, and learn.

The Power of Listening: A Path to Self-Compassion and Stronger Relationships

Pediatrician, author, and professor Rachel Naomi Remen offers a powerful starting point for truly connecting with others: deep listening. Remen suggests that simply giving someone our full attention can be the most important gift we offer. A listening ear, free from judgment or agenda, can foster a deep connection that surpasses even the most eloquent words. This act of listening extends not just to others, but also to ourselves. By quieting our minds and listening within, we can become aware of our subconscious belief systems, also known as schemas.

 

Please refer to the Schemas page.

Summary

Enhanced communication between the conscious and subconscious minds can significantly improve mental health by:

• Increasing our self-awareness
• Resolving internal conflicts
• Processing and releasing painful subconscious memories
• Aligning actions with our subconscious needs

For effective communication, a two-way approach is crucial:

• Offering compassion, understanding, and forgiveness to our subconscious mind can soothe emotional pain, foster self-acceptance, reduce stress, and enhance relationships.
• Listening to our subconscious processes provides them with a healthy outlet for expression, reducing the likelihood of issues like depression, anxiety, addiction, and physical ailments. Practices such as Internal Family Systems (IFS) offer a framework for this by personifying our wounded parts, empathetically addressing their needs, and responding accordingly.

Ultimately, the goal is to achieve a harmonious state where all aspects of our personality work together for our overall well-being.